能吃,是福

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What is it like to eat? To crave for food? To have the appetite to even crave?

I remember a time when eating was fun. It was nice.
Simple meals. On the ground. Conversations.

I remember watching how he danced around the kitchen and performed his magic.
The way he taps on the salt and pepper, carefully sprinkling the right amount to achieve the desired taste.
The simplest dish became the most precious one.

I remember carefully eating them; chewing and swallowing silently.
I remember savouring the taste of each dish; grateful not only for the food, but also for the presence of the cook.
I remembered to always express my gratitude, because I know how eating would one day cease.
Because I remember knowing how his presence would one day cease.

Now, I know naught of cravings, of appetite and of food.
Even fruits have began rotting in my fridge.
And all I know of, is the taste of coffee, of milk and of sleeping pills.
Two weeks and counting. Maybe a deadline would be approaching.

I remember a time when eating was fun.
And even then, I knew it would be the best time I would have had.

Curl up and die

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Not because it’s safer, but because there’s nothing left on the inside to break, to shatter.
You curl up to gather whatever that’s left.
Your curl up to compress the hollowness inside, hoping to make a small mass, so that no one sees the nothingness that’s left.

You curl up, not because it’s safer.
But because you can never predict the attacks from the back, but now, you want to guard yourself from the any damage that can be inflicted from the front.

Black and white

In all honesty, you were one of the coolest dame.
The one with class, the one with style, and the one I would have admired till this day.

But you have a tiny heart and your soul has an insatiable need for control.
So while I might always live in darkness, I am not stained by the shadows that haunt yours.
And while I might never surface, only those who are true have remained close.
Maybe, that says a lot.

May our paths will never cross again.

Be numb.

I did miss you. The way your eyelids kissed whenever you smile.
And somewhere in my dreams, I’m pretty sure I heard your voice, once again speaking to me.
But my dreams always end with judgment, with profanities hurled at me, and that weird pain that aches inside my gut.

And you, you I miss all the time.
The shadows of you everywhere. The way you walk, your voice, your gaze.
It aches so bad and I’m using all my strength to crush every single hope I have for you.
Decisions, I could only respect but not make.
The repercussions, I can only turn numb and not feel.

Numb, but not numb enough.
When can I be numb enough to stop crumbling down on the ground, in my car, crying?
When can I be numb enough to no longer need pills to sleep?
When, oh when, will this breathing finally cease?

想你的天,想你的夜

因为,爱你就是那么简单。
想每天听到你的声音,看到你的人影。
能在你身旁,安静吵闹也好,吃白饭清粥也好。
因为,想你,想和你在一起,就是那么简单。

但是存在黑暗里的我,真的可以有那么简单的期望吗?
在心碎到连碎片都没有了又带着微笑的面具时,你还看得到爱你,想你, 就是那么简单吗?

因为我爱你,想你,就是那么简单。
因为我爱你,想你,也就是那么复杂。

Expiry beckoning

I laid in bed, despite not one who lies-in.
Just to remain next to you.
But I heard my expiry beckoning.
Beckoning for me to go to.

My heart has failed and my strength no more.
The remnants of my fatigue won’t keep me going on.

Tomorrow will not come.
But I laid beside you today.
And it was nice.

And maybe this once, being human was nice.
Being human was worth it.

But when ashes returns to dust, will the charcoal’s fun still love his lady luck?

Maybe? Maybe.

I’m sorry. Thank you. I love you. Bye.

Close to home

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I almost how comforting it is to be around people who have similar roots to me.

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And sometimes, it’s nice to just be that youngest sister and not that individual who needs to constantly stand alone.

But maybe, being so distant isn’t that bad too. At least, demise wouldn’t be so painful.

I’m sorry, sis. But thanks and I love you.