Give me the reason to look for that which is lost but not gone.
Don’t live in a tomorrow while missing yesterday.
When it’s been long decided for you that you would lose and that you would suffer, then you will begin to realise that all you can do is to keep silent.
Because your whims would be acts of unreasonable defiance and your grievances will always be unheard of.
So speak naught. Because in this self-righteous world you would always be wrong and everyone else would always be right. Because no one chooses instability for a lifestyle and you would be the only one left behind. Because after all the sweet-talk and guilt-confession, you’ll still be an abomination.
Grind your teeth, tighten your fist and keep silent.
I remembered. Have fun.
When I become that bit less than a human in your eyes, should I lie that it never did hurt just so that you would feel better?
Hello monsters in my head, I hear your truth.
The heart that is perpetually hurting,
And the mind, constantly racing.
Maybe it’s all a scheme to maim and a plot to numb
Whatever hope that’s left and have yet to come.
Come, let’s all pretend!
Be present at places you’re not around,
And be absent at places you’re at now.
Be leashed to the box and sink yourself into it.
‘Look up’, look up but be that hypocrite.
But no, you’re right, because I’m always wrong.
You’re ever in the light, but I’m darkness itself, so forlorn.
I’ll be the wrong so you can be your right.
I’ll be a substitute so you can continue your safe pursuit.
Oh Nobody, please hear my rant.
I should stop, because I only deserve to end.
But Death avoids me oh-so-steadily, while Life continues on so arduously.
I’ll be the blame, I’ll take the rap,
Because that’s the bit of you that you can never unwrap.
Goodbye angels in my head, because now, I’m way over with all your lies.
At this rate, I’d probably die from too-much-uni-work + pneumonia.
So for my lovely Zeb, here’s your happy post. (:
I would rip my skin and tear my flesh, bit by bit and piece by piece.
To remove that ugliness, that dirtiness and that uselessness of me.
I would stab my heart just to feel better and I would stab my heart just to hurt better.
So to remove all guilt, all shame and all wrong of just existing.
Stop, because I cannot hear you anymore.
Because I became a catalyst for balance.
When balance is achieved, I would be no more.
Maybe, this is all I am.
It is me who is the one pushing people away, while trying so hard to keep them close.
Too many unrested nights and too many wasted days.
All the unspoken quarrels and all the secret tears.
I thought I’d be fine, but all I was, was wrong.
Go. Be strong. Be great. Be happy.
I’ll see you when we’re both different and the same again.
It’s strange how one can forget what it feels like to touch another human being.
The warmth that emits from another being.
The smoothness of another person’s skin.
The unique smell of another individual.
And probably, the security one gets from being able to feel another tangible being, and knowing that, for that very moment, the person is real.
I guess I’m just missing.
Missing her, the one who rejected my advances to hold her hand many years ago but would occasionally cling on to mine now.
Missed him, the one who held on to my hand and yet mercilessly shattered me into pieces.
Probably because I’m not whole.
Definitely because I’d never be.
Don’t break him the way you broke me, and your name would probably still be on his ‘good friends’ list by the end of the day.
Don’t ruin it this time. Good luck.
It wasn’t what you said. It was what you did not say that broke everything.
Alas, I’d probably not feel safe telling you anything personal. For a long long long long time.
I’m always changing.
My perspectives, my speech, my language.
Change would be my constant.
If you can only accept the ‘yester-me’, then hold your grudge and go away.
Because I won’t stop for myself, neither will I stop for you.
What mattered, what really matters, and if anything truly matters after all.
It’s only been about half a year or so, but I found myself once again walking on the famously busy land of Sydney. This time round, however, I didn’t get to stay with any of my relatives, mainly because they were accommodating their soon-to-be in-laws. But it was a good thing, because I did managed to sate my long overdue yearnings for some ‘cat time’.
All three cats were extremely vocal, not only during meal times. I guess, I was a little nettled by one of them, because she was behaving like some overly-possessive crazy bitch (this is definitely a female thing. like seriously). But other than that, I managed to get some talk-to-the-cats-as-if-they-understood-me time.
Also, besides the cats living in my accommodation, my cousin’s place also had two cats! But I only managed to take a photo with one of them, seeing that this ginger kitty was greedier while the other was too shy.
Anyhoo, this trip was pretty fruitful. I got to hang out with one of my distant relatives (cousin’s cousin), Titus, for a bit! I haven’t seen him for nearly a decade (or more?) and he hasn’t exactly changed a bit!
Me being me, it’s no wonder that I went around looking for things to see. And there you go, the Sydney Buddha.
They were huge! Just look at the size of the curious humans around! The non-metallic Buddha statue reeked of fertilisers and was said to be destroyed as time passes. That probably explained why some portions of that statue had disappeared.
Symphony at the domain
I had been planning to go for this event ever since I’ve heard of the Sydney Festival! So, naturally, I scheduled the Symphony in the Domain into my trip! My cousin decided to come along and we ended up going there as a group.
It was a really pleasant experience, honestly. I was expecting it to be crazily crowded (it’s Sydney, after all…), but it was surprisingly enjoyable! Although that event attracted throngs of people, there was enough space to comfortably accommodate everyone. And the amazing sound system and live broadcast ensured that the performance could be seen and heard by all the attendees, despite the distance they were away from the stage.
That probably summed up my Sydney trip. Had lots to reflect on, tons of quality time spent with my cousin and had my share of cat-talks. I’m pleased. (:
Awoken to that awful twilight just before dawn, with only 3 hours clocked in my ‘sleeping logbook’. It was 4am, and sleep owes me 2 more hours.
But I was up, and all that resounded in my head was, ‘In any event, BRAKES.’
This always happens when I’m either planning for a long drive, or if I’m about to drive a friend somewhere. It’s a funny thing how my brain remembers all the warnings that were given to me about driving and accidents and car damages and that whole shebang, especially during the period when I was still on my L-plates. They probably were given to me out of goodwill, but nonetheless, those words came to me with a motive of instilling fear. So now, whenever I plan on driving a less familiar route, I get the jitters, the butterflies and the cockroaches.
So I laid there, staring at my grey ceiling, with thoughts about how much damage the car will get and, funnily, nothing about how I would survive if an accident were to occur. I wondered, how much of those ‘words of advice’ consisted of true concern of a person’s life, and how much of it were just purely worried that I would ruin the car?
I probably realised something else too.
Insecurities are personal. No one can resolve them or be blamed for them, except the very person him/herself. Because no assurances or affirmations from others were successful in curbing my anxiety attacks when it comes to driving, but any discouraging or disparaging remark will just sink my insecurities further. It’s a downward spiral, and no one can ever save me except myself.
At times I wonder, how long will I need to grapple with these insecurities? Are they just them or are they born from an even deeper and greater pool of insecurities that I have yet to discover? And, when will I finally see it fit to let them go?
Oh wells, one thing at a time. Let me just deal with driving for now.