Be blind for all you want.

Oh, you wanted to close your eyes
To be blind to the damage you’ve caused
To be oblivious to the abrasion of your spoken words
To be ignorant of your own superficial self

Oh, you could just say
‘You’ll be fine one day’
And you’ll go your way
Living so happy and gay

But no, you just wanted to be blind
To step on others to make yourself fine
And your words of apology to vindicate
Are just means to obliterate
Your undeniable selfishness to be blind

Go fuck yourself.

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When gone’s not too gone.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERANot absolved.

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You’re my wonderwall

I’ll miss every smile and frown, every laughter and anger fit.
And how the kisses you never knew were given, were my little attempts of carpe diem.

Yet, how much of ‘carpe diem’ can one accumulate to compensate for the yearning of the departed?

I miss everything of you, hon.
And will, always.

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STFU, D

Be more independent, less reliant and less troublesome.

Seriously.

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Honestly?

Sometimes I wonder if we’re constantly running away from certain issues, problems, hurts etc in our lives, so much that we would rather keep ourselves – our minds and bodies – so busy that we can totally evade the things that are of ultimate importance to us. 

Are we really all going to end up like this? Are we all going to spend all our time and energy building intangible and useless castles and neglect things that really matter? Are we going to tire ourselves out for the things that we’d ultimately regret about, just because we stubbornly choose to believe that it has the value the society claims, but deep within we know its a lie? Are we going to go about being busy and not realising how much we’ve neglected ourselves and the people around us? Is this really what life is all about?

I have no intentions to lead anyone into a depressing state from the questions I’ve asked. It’s just that, I’m looking at my peers and reflecting on myself and can’t help but wonder about where do people nowadays place their values? Is it on fame? On money? On empty satisfaction? On dead reputation? On faux stability? Or what?

Why isn’t values placed on the happiness of self and of people? If there isn’t an underlying happiness in our humanly existence, then is there really a point of doing anything at all? If we constantly fear things that are ephemeral, how do we live? If we constantly choose to harbour the hurts of the past and choose not to see the good in the future people, then won’t we be treating people in an unfair manner? Then, wouldn’t living be a form of inferno reality with people just conforming to the darkness that is seemingly prevalent in our society?

In this idiosyncratic world, I’d never win. You will only see what you’re expecting to see and be blind to everything else. But is this all? Really?

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Week 1 of Sem 1 of 2014

It’s only TUESDAY and I’m shouting (figuratively) at the top of my lungs and going slightly crazy because it’s the end of my first uni-week! YAY YAY YAY!

Well, my hiatus from very monotonous exciting blogging life can be explained from my busy week of helping M find a place, move into the new place and sitting in for 8 hours of radio shows. It doesn’t sound much but all of the activities really did take a toll on my energy quite badly.

I’m foreseeing that it’s going to be a rather busy semester, mainly because all the course I’m taking are 2nd and 3rd year subjects. *whines and frowns and sighs and whines a little more* But I suppose, it’s going to be a rather interesting semester too. This semester courses tackle the current situation of mass communication and institutions, and how institutions have a huge impact, control and influence over the mindsets and actions of the masses. (These are what I’ve learnt from my first week!)

Questions about how we are ultimately (and maybe, merely?) by-products of implemented structures that have been taught to the many generations before us piques my interest. What percentage of us consist of the systems that were instilled and taught to us due to some influential party in this world wanting to gain control over the masses for financial gains? While the structure of institutions appears to be prevalent in every society as a form of control, can humans really live without structure?

Okay, these questions confuses me too. I’m not even sure if I’m making sense now…

Anyhoo, it’s been a good 2 days of lectures and now my brain is totally fried from the 1 hour lecture + 2 hours lecture + 3 hours workshop earlier today. But I’m glad I’d be seeing a lot more of Clarice this semester! For some reasons, she brings out the most sampat / ‘bimbotic’ side of me. Oh boy…

Some stupidity a day, puts the insanity away.

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You already did

Lock the door, don’t let them in
Lock the door, keep out the din
Walk this road before, for so much less and nothing more
Lock the door, don’t let them in

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SG Sojourn 2014: The End

And so, my 9 days and 8 nights in Singapore came and pass with the blink of an eye. But it was really a good, albeit short trip. My visit was long enough for me to meet up with my circle of close friends, and brief enough to not cause any form of friction at home.

My very fruitful trip kept me extremely busy, and even after returning to Brisbane, it took me more than a week to finish blogging about my SG Sojourn 2014. Different events have been taking place one after the other, so my wanting to blog had naturally been compromised.

SG Sojourn 2014 Summary:

31Jan – 2Feb: Family days
3Feb: Betty and Kimboon day
4Feb: Lunch with Jacky, dinner with Affiliates
5Feb: Hao and Ann day
6Feb: 5 shots of coffee day
7Feb: Lunch with Jeremy, coffee with Zeb, dinner with Rey and Mich
8Feb: BYE!

So yarp! That would make a rather good summary of my SG Sojourn 2014.

My only and final photograph with granny for this trip:

She didn’t like taking photographs, so this was my only shot with her. And even though we are both rather strong-headed and stubborn, and how we just can’t be around each other for too long without having conflicts, I started missing her once I left home.

Also, some close friends did manage to catch me for that one last glimpse before I left…

Kimboon

Gaen

Betty!

Hao and Ann. Thanks for the really cool wallet, guys! <3

Thanks, guys. I’m really grateful for all of you. Not exactly wanting to sound too cloy in my blog post, but I really do appreciate you and everything that you’ve done. (:

And of course, last but not least, my mum.

Thanks for everything. Very cliche, but really, words cannot describe how much I’m thankful for you and how much I love you. Thanks mum, I love you.

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So don’t.

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SG Sojourn 2014: Random meetups

J Teo

It was a rather last minute decision to have lunch with J, since I’ve pre-planned my whole week to meet up with different groups of awesome people even before I set foot on Singapore soil. But J’s insistence made this lunch gathering possible, and I’m really glad it happened.

OH YES, HAVE I EVER YATTER MENTION MY LOVE FOR KOREAN CUISINE? WOOOO YUMMY!

Anyhoo, although it was a very short meeting (a typical office job lunch break), I had a really good time catching up with him. I’d say that it does feel kinda weird to know that he’s getting married this coming October (congrats, by the way!). I guess, he’ll always be that guy in his JC uniform to me, and it’s almost odd to know that he has reached the ‘Marriage’ milestone of his life.

Still, it was time well spent! And I really do appreciate the fact that he always make it a point to catch up with me whenever I’m in Singapore. (:

5-shots-of-coffee

There was once upon a time when I thought our paths might never cross again. I remember becoming rather depressed about it, which perhaps might explain my huge delight to see him again!

The meeting was strangely pleasant. It was nice to once again hear him do his almost inaudible mumbling talk and see his tiny slitted eyes that somehow makes me wonder if they’re even open. But I guess, I’m overall pleased to find him doing well in his life now. (:

Zebbilicious

After more than one year of not seeing this guy, WE FINALLY GET TO MEET UP! I was really looking forward to our meeting, but I wasn’t really expecting… a terrorist-lookalike. LOL. And he was wearing more eyeliner than me… … …

We went to the cafe Kimboon works at for a cup of chocolate and coffee, and we ended up finishing a huge bar of Whittaker’s coconut chocolate! So we were pretty much filled with chocolate by the time we left.

Somehow, time passed really quickly when I was with Z. Before long, we had to leave the premise because I had some other prior engagements (oh yes, very busy me). But I reckon, if we had all the time in the world, we’d probably talk about everything under the sun and moon and clouds and stars! Gees, I really miss this chilling with this man.

Thanks dude, I’d see you next time! ((:

Life, I guess, can be rather strange and weird in its own ways.

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My bad.

I don’t understand why a sting in my heart always bring tears to my eyes. I hate it, because crying is useless.

I don’t understand why I’m sensitive to every flinch and every wince when I talk to people. I hate it, because it makes trusting people so difficult.

I don’t understand why I have to make my own existence so difficult for myself. I hate it, because it’s useless and stupid.

My bad. I seriously need to do something about myself.

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SG Sojourn 2014: “好安稳”

‘好安稳’ means really secure. Apparently, Minghao’s, Arwin’s and my Chinese name combine to sound just like that.

After all the weChat messaging and voice messages and the occasional Viber calls, I finally got to met up with Minghao. Gees, I’ve missed this man tons. He’s my pillar of support all the way in Singapore, always there to listen to my every rant and whimper. And despite me being extremely vague and cryptic, he’s always just a text away.

The bracelet Hao and Arwin bought for me! (Mine is the single coloured piece!)

And oh-so-kind Hao took half day off just for me! So we went for lunch in some fancy cafe and he brought the very noob me to walk around Arab Street, for the first time.

It was really interesting! The shops in Arab Street sold some really cool and vintage stuff, and it didn’t looked anything like the city at all. But the stuff that I really wanted were all too costly for me, and I wasn’t exactly in the mood to splurge on myself, so we simply window shopped for the whole afternoon.

Then, I managed to get a hair cut! (And I can totally hear Rey saying, ‘BANGS AGAIN?!’) THEN THEN, we went to meet Arwin for dinner!

The only thing anyone needs to know about the Minghao-Arwin combo is… Only the best kinds of food. So, we headed to Rakuzen for some really good Japanese cuisine. And after our tummies were filled, it was photo-taking time! (I try to take as many photographs with them as possible, mainly because that’s the only thing I’d get to look at when I miss them!)

To go to a nearby bar to chill was a good idea, but for me to have a cup of Margarita was a very, very bad idea. After SLOWLY drinking 2/3 of that small cup, my heart had already started pounding in my head and I was babbling nonsense to Hao and Arwin. They, of course, couldn’t stop laughing at me. Meh.

It took me nearly an hour before I began to feel better. But despite the very embarrassing ending for our meeting, it was a very good day. I honestly had a very good time catching up with these guys, and I really missed them when I was away. With them, I’m convinced that I must’ve done something good in my previous life (if the concept of past life do exist) to deserve to have them as friends now.

Thank you, Hao and Ann. Not wanting to be all serious, but I really do appreciate you guys. (:

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SG Sojourn 2014: The Affiliates!

I know it sounds pretty lame to be meeting up my Aussie favourites when I’d get to see them a lot when the semester starts, but I really REALLY missed them! And knowing that I’m closer to them (geographically) was actually strangely comforting to me when I was in Singapore.

Well, I arrived late because Mr. Jacky-the-Comaky was late and decided to go to River Safari at the very last minute but the Korean BBQ dinner was still all good! I guess, it wasn’t the best, but that did manage to fulfil my Korean cuisine cravings, so it’s goooooood!

After dinner, we settled down at Starfucks Starbucks to chat and chill. AND THEN… Mich and Rey gave me all the presents they’ve bought for me! It’s a combination of Christmas and birthday and their randomness! Oh boy… I feel SOOOOOO loved!

Small Timbuk2 sling bag!

Finally, a proper water bottle!

Random cute stuff!

ONE PIECE KEY CHAIN! WOOOOO!

With Michy’s new phone, IT WAS PHOTO-TAKING TIME!

And with her very interesting photo-app…

Our last bit of randomness…

I was honestly pleased to see these guys again, even though I’m pretty sure we’ll be hanging out for quite a fair bit in the months to follow (except for Joseph!). They’ve always been looking out for me when I was in Brissy, making sure I get more than just microwaved food in my tummy and always providing me with a shoulder to lean on when I really needed one.

Well, I doubt I’d be able to cook a decent meal for them, nor will I be able to get any scarily expensive gifts for them anytime soon. But I really do appreciate them. Anytime they need a shoulder to lean on, a ear to listen to their rants or just someone to go out with, I’d be there.

Thanks, guys! <3

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SG Sojourn 2014: River Safari

Going to the River Safari was an impromptu decision by Jacky, mainly because he was late for our lunch date! Oh wells, he’s very much forgiven, since I’ve never been to the River Safari before!

Despite the ridonkulous educational signage displayed all over the place, the River Safari is actually a rather nice place to walk. The boat rides were fully booked, so we only managed to see the attractions that were available by foot. I guess, after not visiting the zoo for perhaps more than a decade, it’s nice seeing zoo-ish animals again!

I think I was trying to taunt whatever that is behind the tank…

Statue crocodile!

I was seriously amazed when it started to move!

Being ridiculous.

Blur picture, but we were trying to capture the fish!

The famous KaiKai doing what he’s there to do…

I was wondering why they would display a panda holding a toy, until I realised that it wasn’t…

Then they had the very cool merchandise shop…

And of course, our bit of randomness…

Needless to say, my dinner plans were pushed backwards because of this impromptu outing, but I do think that the time was well spent. Jacky was going around taking photographs for the sake of taking them, but I guess, a part of him does appreciate being slightly closer to nature, as opposed to our very common sight of concrete mountains.

So…

I do hope I’d get to see him again this May! ((:

(Photographs were taken either by my iPhone or Jacky’s iPad!)

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Don’t know.

Am I suppose to remember why I’m undeserving of love, or should I be convincing myself that I’m perhaps good enough to be loved?

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SG Sojourn 2014: The lasting affair

It has been more than a year since the three of us last met, and to be honest, they’ve frequented my mind for the whole time I was in Brisbane. They are perhaps the only few people amongst all my friends who have stayed with me for the longest time, watching me make every possible mistake I can ever make in my life. And I guess, for the very same reason (and probably others too), I have very mixed feelings towards them.

But anyhoo, I can’t describe how thankful I am to be hanging out with Kimboon again. I missed the long walks and the endless talks we used to have. I missed the way we would chill under the block and laugh our nights away. I missed his unlimited supply of self-admiration that leaves me rolling my eyes in agreement. And really, I’m just glad to be around him again. (:

And for Betty, boyyyyyy am I glad to see her! She’s… skinny as usual. In fact, even skinnier than the last time I saw her. Still, I remember her as the belle of my primary school and the lively little girl that I had the good fortune to become friends with. The significance of the 15th of March would probably never evade me and I look forward to the day where we would finally get to do some REAL star gazing.

Well, we decided to give up our plans to go to Johor Bahru due to some unforeseen events, like having excruciating menstrual cramps that makes you feel like your womb is trying its best to squeeze out of a tiny holeSo, we went to have lunch and hung out in Nex instead. It wasn’t a very long meet up, but I had a very good time catching up and rekindling memories with them.

From Betty:

Friends for 15 years, worth a thousand celebrations.
Be it good, bad or ugly, some things don’t change.
As long as we are living, no matter when or where,
if you ever need me, just call and I’ll be there.
I’ll climb a thousand mountains and swim a thousand seas.
Anything to be there, ’cause you’ve been there for me.

Thanks for your words, babe, they mean a lot to me. Even though I’m pretty much silent when it comes to expressing how I feel, I really appreciate and love you.

Alright, for the random bits of us.

Thank you for never giving up on me. I love you guys.

 

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CNY 2014

After 3 very short years, I’m finally celebrating Chinese New Year with my family again. To be honest, I didn’t realise how much I miss having reunion dinners, going for boring visitations and exchanging mandarin oranges with my relatives until now.

It felt pretty strange to be feeling so cold (literally) during CNY. I remember being drenched in my own perspiration every single year when I went around this beautiful island doing my CNY visitations. But this year was so windy and cold that 2 layers of clothing were barely enough to keep me warm.

Anyhoo, my CNY 2014 visitations lasted for only a day. We went to different houses of some distant relatives. They are so distant that I’m not even sure how to address them. Still, it was nice spending time with my maternal uncles and aunties again.

Uncle Gilbert and Aunty Alice

3rd uncle and his wife

Gugong and my maternal relatives

And finally, some family photographs (without David, though).

It’s funny how my (and my sister’s) approach to CNY changed. I remember being extremely thrilled to receive red packets, hiding in the toilets with my sister to find out how much we’ve collected so far. But right now, the focus seem to have shifted to a yearning to spend time with our relatives (even those that we don’t know!), and away from collecting those pretty little red packets that contains material wealth.

Okay before I faint from exhaustion… SOMETHING CUTE! ((:

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M.R.A.J

Thank you.

I’m not too sure if I’d ever be able to reciprocate your kindness, being such a lousy shopper, an unconfident driver and an awful cook. But for all my insufficiencies, I’ll make up by always lending you my ear to listen, my shoulder to lean on and being there (silently and/or noisily) when you need me.

I’m sorry. I wish I’m more, but for now, this might be all.

Thank you for loving me.

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Dear Brissy,

You’re gonna miss me by my walk
You’re gonna miss me by my talk
Oh, you’re gonna miss me when I’m gone

But I’m not too sure if it’s the other way round instead.

Cheers,
Tng

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Fuck this shit

Now I remember what caused me to develop my tendency to shut the fuck up when problems happen. It’s my very own self defense mechanism, and I doubt that I’m the only one.

Because you just can’t rely on anyone. You’ll end up judged, you’ll end up being needy and you’ll end up being labelled as too dependent on people.

I guess, I did try to calibrate my understanding of how the human works and learn the importance of relationships amongst friends. But now I realized how much I should just fucking stick to my self defense mechanism when it comes to my problems. Because I don’t need to walk in a field of emotional land mines all the time. Because I hate being seen as needy and too dependent on people. Because as long as I bite down hard enough, shed some tears in the dark and wear a strong facade, the world will think I’m fine.

Hope is both a beautiful and a dangerous thing.

Pretty sure I’m not the only one to feel so horridly disgusted by the flesh and bones that traps and binds me to this living world. Pretty sure I’m not the only one that is so greatly disgusted to the point of wanting to barf. Pretty sure, I’m not the only one.

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