Awoken to that awful twilight just before dawn, with only 3 hours clocked in my ‘sleeping logbook’. It was 4am, and sleep owes me 2 more hours.
But I was up, and all that resounded in my head was, ‘In any event, BRAKES.’
This always happens when I’m either planning for a long drive, or if I’m about to drive a friend somewhere. It’s a funny thing how my brain remembers all the warnings that were given to me about driving and accidents and car damages and that whole shebang, especially during the period when I was still on my L-plates. They probably were given to me out of goodwill, but nonetheless, those words came to me with a motive of instilling fear. So now, whenever I plan on driving a less familiar route, I get the jitters, the butterflies and the cockroaches.
So I laid there, staring at my grey ceiling, with thoughts about how much damage the car will get and, funnily, nothing about how I would survive if an accident were to occur. I wondered, how much of those ‘words of advice’ consisted of true concern of a person’s life, and how much of it were just purely worried that I would ruin the car?
I probably realised something else too.
Insecurities are personal. No one can resolve them or be blamed for them, except the very person him/herself. Because no assurances or affirmations from others were successful in curbing my anxiety attacks when it comes to driving, but any discouraging or disparaging remark will just sink my insecurities further. It’s a downward spiral, and no one can ever save me except myself.
At times I wonder, how long will I need to grapple with these insecurities? Are they just them or are they born from an even deeper and greater pool of insecurities that I have yet to discover? And, when will I finally see it fit to let them go?
Oh wells, one thing at a time. Let me just deal with driving for now.