When distraction doesn’t work

You fall right back into the same inferno. The one that incapacitates you. The one that turns your guts inside out. The one that reminds you that your heart isn’t quite in one piece or two, but in smithereens that act as a whole body just to keep you functioning.

C’mon already, Death. I’ve waited for nearly 5 months, acting as if it doesn’t hurt, going on as if I’m whole, breathing as if it’s an easy thing. Yet all this while, I bow my head in fear. I cower behind my blankets so Nightmare doesn’t find me. I stand indifferent because I am supposed to be fine by now. But I’m not. I’m not, and it kills me bit by bit, yet not enough for me to die. So fucking claim me as your own already. You’re so fucking late, and my patience is waning. 

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Reticence.

Why question the solitary eccentric?
Because rightful reasons would inevitably become excuses.
And you, you will always be right, no?

Why question the withdrawal?
Because why should one speak when words won’t be heeded?
And why should one gather, when one had so obviously been disregarded?

Why question the cold feet?
When your hearts will always be warm, while mine would always be bleeding.
And when your minds will always be perfect, while mine would always be flawed.

A new slash on an unhealed wound.
Why, I thought it was numbed.
Why, oh why, does it  add up to actually, and still, hurt?

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The half

I should probably blog a little more here. Read more, learn more new words, and learn to apply them a little more. It’s been my personal space for such a long time, ever around despite all my tantrums and running away.

Yet, I can’t be fully back. My less-than-jubilant facade would not completely and truly hide the half soul that is fueling my emotional responses and the half spirit that is weary from breathing.

The sound of the heartbreak still reverberates in my ears and its crushed remnants still bleed with fresh blood. Insidiously, I’ve changed. Change to a craven. Changed to no longer have the courage to put my heart on the line.

Oh the stupidity. Yet why does the black hole in my chest not subside? Why does my eyes still well up with tears?

The broken spirit will lead a half life, give a half smile and chuckle a half laugh. But I guess, it will survive. Just another decade would suffice.

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Sorry, not sorry.

For now..

After a long day, I’d rather be alone than be chatting with strangers. / I make sure I have enough alone time on a daily basis, even though I do enjoy spending time with people. / I love eating chocolates, despite of its ‘sinful’ properties. / I don’t recover easily.

Oh sorry (not sorry), just me and my flawed thinking.

But in that case, I can probably make the bold statement of saying that anyone with any form of personality and any kind of personal preference would be deemed as flawed.

Because it is essentially saying that desiring alone time is just a flawed thinking of being reticent, enjoying chocolates is the flawed thinking that the body would remain healthy after consuming all the sugar, and taking a long time to recover is the flawed thinking that recovery takes a long time.

At the end of the day, you don’t need to be a mad-keen religious being to behave just like the Pharisees and Sadducees.

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Happy birthday H

I won’t say that I’m fine, because I’m not.
And I can’t say I’m not angry, because I am.

But as much as I’m ever so sure of your awesomeness, right now you’re a fucking piece of shit.

Be happy. Be wise.

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Not a single step

When you realise you haven’t shifted a single inch away from the pain you thought had gone away, you realise how time doesn’t make any difference.

At all. 

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Sigh, hello May.

I should probably avoid wearing anything brown for now, because I’m not too keen to look like some tree that got electrocuted on the top. But anyhoo, Michymoo’s superb hair dying skills had once again achieved success on my broom-like hair! I guess I can officially pass off as some Asian-gangsta-girl. Perhaps a couple of additions to my unusual body piercings and a tattoo?

Photo on 30-04-2014 at 8.23 pm I was, obviously flushing after drinking the VERY MILDLY alcoholic Buchi Kombucha. But it’s really nice, though. (:

Well, I suppose my bed is well prepared for winter.

  • ONE layer of blanket as bed sheet
  • FOUR layers of blankets as blankets

I should probably be able to fall asleep if I can find a way to stop my mind from entering the same thought-marathon that happens every night.

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When 9gag makes sense

10268693_10152210373326840_4768224954318970658_n

Because hon, for oblivion you tore a treasure out of my flesh.
And you trampled on what was precious to me.

Yet will you ever know?
That the pain came not from the impossibility,
But from my precious broken treasure that you heartlessly regard as naught.

Be well, hon.

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Be blind for all you want.

Oh, you wanted to close your eyes
To be blind to the damage you’ve caused
To be oblivious to the abrasion of your spoken words
To be ignorant of your own superficial self

Oh, you could just say
‘You’ll be fine one day’
And you’ll go your way
Living so happy and gay

But no, you just wanted to be blind
To step on others to make yourself fine
And your words of apology to vindicate
Are just means to obliterate
Your undeniable selfishness to be blind

Go fuck yourself.

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When gone’s not too gone.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERANot absolved.

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You’re my wonderwall

I’ll miss every smile and frown, every laughter and anger fit.
And how the kisses you never knew were given, were my little attempts of carpe diem.

Yet, how much of ‘carpe diem’ can one accumulate to compensate for the yearning of the departed?

I miss everything of you, hon.
And will, always.

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STFU, D

Be more independent, less reliant and less troublesome.

Seriously.

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Honestly?

Sometimes I wonder if we’re constantly running away from certain issues, problems, hurts etc in our lives, so much that we would rather keep ourselves – our minds and bodies – so busy that we can totally evade the things that are of ultimate importance to us. 

Are we really all going to end up like this? Are we all going to spend all our time and energy building intangible and useless castles and neglect things that really matter? Are we going to tire ourselves out for the things that we’d ultimately regret about, just because we stubbornly choose to believe that it has the value the society claims, but deep within we know its a lie? Are we going to go about being busy and not realising how much we’ve neglected ourselves and the people around us? Is this really what life is all about?

I have no intentions to lead anyone into a depressing state from the questions I’ve asked. It’s just that, I’m looking at my peers and reflecting on myself and can’t help but wonder about where do people nowadays place their values? Is it on fame? On money? On empty satisfaction? On dead reputation? On faux stability? Or what?

Why isn’t values placed on the happiness of self and of people? If there isn’t an underlying happiness in our humanly existence, then is there really a point of doing anything at all? If we constantly fear things that are ephemeral, how do we live? If we constantly choose to harbour the hurts of the past and choose not to see the good in the future people, then won’t we be treating people in an unfair manner? Then, wouldn’t living be a form of inferno reality with people just conforming to the darkness that is seemingly prevalent in our society?

In this idiosyncratic world, I’d never win. You will only see what you’re expecting to see and be blind to everything else. But is this all? Really?

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Week 1 of Sem 1 of 2014

It’s only TUESDAY and I’m shouting (figuratively) at the top of my lungs and going slightly crazy because it’s the end of my first uni-week! YAY YAY YAY!

Well, my hiatus from very monotonous exciting blogging life can be explained from my busy week of helping M find a place, move into the new place and sitting in for 8 hours of radio shows. It doesn’t sound much but all of the activities really did take a toll on my energy quite badly.

I’m foreseeing that it’s going to be a rather busy semester, mainly because all the course I’m taking are 2nd and 3rd year subjects. *whines and frowns and sighs and whines a little more* But I suppose, it’s going to be a rather interesting semester too. This semester courses tackle the current situation of mass communication and institutions, and how institutions have a huge impact, control and influence over the mindsets and actions of the masses. (These are what I’ve learnt from my first week!)

Questions about how we are ultimately (and maybe, merely?) by-products of implemented structures that have been taught to the many generations before us piques my interest. What percentage of us consist of the systems that were instilled and taught to us due to some influential party in this world wanting to gain control over the masses for financial gains? While the structure of institutions appears to be prevalent in every society as a form of control, can humans really live without structure?

Okay, these questions confuses me too. I’m not even sure if I’m making sense now…

Anyhoo, it’s been a good 2 days of lectures and now my brain is totally fried from the 1 hour lecture + 2 hours lecture + 3 hours workshop earlier today. But I’m glad I’d be seeing a lot more of Clarice this semester! For some reasons, she brings out the most sampat / ‘bimbotic’ side of me. Oh boy…

Some stupidity a day, puts the insanity away.

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You already did

Lock the door, don’t let them in
Lock the door, keep out the din
Walk this road before, for so much less and nothing more
Lock the door, don’t let them in

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SG Sojourn 2014: The End

And so, my 9 days and 8 nights in Singapore came and pass with the blink of an eye. But it was really a good, albeit short trip. My visit was long enough for me to meet up with my circle of close friends, and brief enough to not cause any form of friction at home.

My very fruitful trip kept me extremely busy, and even after returning to Brisbane, it took me more than a week to finish blogging about my SG Sojourn 2014. Different events have been taking place one after the other, so my wanting to blog had naturally been compromised.

SG Sojourn 2014 Summary:

31Jan – 2Feb: Family days
3Feb: Betty and Kimboon day
4Feb: Lunch with Jacky, dinner with Affiliates
5Feb: Hao and Ann day
6Feb: 5 shots of coffee day
7Feb: Lunch with Jeremy, coffee with Zeb, dinner with Rey and Mich
8Feb: BYE!

So yarp! That would make a rather good summary of my SG Sojourn 2014.

My only and final photograph with granny for this trip:

She didn’t like taking photographs, so this was my only shot with her. And even though we are both rather strong-headed and stubborn, and how we just can’t be around each other for too long without having conflicts, I started missing her once I left home.

Also, some close friends did manage to catch me for that one last glimpse before I left…

Kimboon

Gaen

Betty!

Hao and Ann. Thanks for the really cool wallet, guys! <3

Thanks, guys. I’m really grateful for all of you. Not exactly wanting to sound too cloy in my blog post, but I really do appreciate you and everything that you’ve done. (:

And of course, last but not least, my mum.

Thanks for everything. Very cliche, but really, words cannot describe how much I’m thankful for you and how much I love you. Thanks mum, I love you.

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So don’t.

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SG Sojourn 2014: Random meetups

J Teo

It was a rather last minute decision to have lunch with J, since I’ve pre-planned my whole week to meet up with different groups of awesome people even before I set foot on Singapore soil. But J’s insistence made this lunch gathering possible, and I’m really glad it happened.

OH YES, HAVE I EVER YATTER MENTION MY LOVE FOR KOREAN CUISINE? WOOOO YUMMY!

Anyhoo, although it was a very short meeting (a typical office job lunch break), I had a really good time catching up with him. I’d say that it does feel kinda weird to know that he’s getting married this coming October (congrats, by the way!). I guess, he’ll always be that guy in his JC uniform to me, and it’s almost odd to know that he has reached the ‘Marriage’ milestone of his life.

Still, it was time well spent! And I really do appreciate the fact that he always make it a point to catch up with me whenever I’m in Singapore. (:

5-shots-of-coffee

There was once upon a time when I thought our paths might never cross again. I remember becoming rather depressed about it, which perhaps might explain my huge delight to see him again!

The meeting was strangely pleasant. It was nice to once again hear him do his almost inaudible mumbling talk and see his tiny slitted eyes that somehow makes me wonder if they’re even open. But I guess, I’m overall pleased to find him doing well in his life now. (:

Zebbilicious

After more than one year of not seeing this guy, WE FINALLY GET TO MEET UP! I was really looking forward to our meeting, but I wasn’t really expecting… a terrorist-lookalike. LOL. And he was wearing more eyeliner than me… … …

We went to the cafe Kimboon works at for a cup of chocolate and coffee, and we ended up finishing a huge bar of Whittaker’s coconut chocolate! So we were pretty much filled with chocolate by the time we left.

Somehow, time passed really quickly when I was with Z. Before long, we had to leave the premise because I had some other prior engagements (oh yes, very busy me). But I reckon, if we had all the time in the world, we’d probably talk about everything under the sun and moon and clouds and stars! Gees, I really miss this chilling with this man.

Thanks dude, I’d see you next time! ((:

Life, I guess, can be rather strange and weird in its own ways.

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My bad.

I don’t understand why a sting in my heart always bring tears to my eyes. I hate it, because crying is useless.

I don’t understand why I’m sensitive to every flinch and every wince when I talk to people. I hate it, because it makes trusting people so difficult.

I don’t understand why I have to make my own existence so difficult for myself. I hate it, because it’s useless and stupid.

My bad. I seriously need to do something about myself.

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SG Sojourn 2014: “好安稳”

‘好安稳’ means really secure. Apparently, Minghao’s, Arwin’s and my Chinese name combine to sound just like that.

After all the weChat messaging and voice messages and the occasional Viber calls, I finally got to met up with Minghao. Gees, I’ve missed this man tons. He’s my pillar of support all the way in Singapore, always there to listen to my every rant and whimper. And despite me being extremely vague and cryptic, he’s always just a text away.

The bracelet Hao and Arwin bought for me! (Mine is the single coloured piece!)

And oh-so-kind Hao took half day off just for me! So we went for lunch in some fancy cafe and he brought the very noob me to walk around Arab Street, for the first time.

It was really interesting! The shops in Arab Street sold some really cool and vintage stuff, and it didn’t looked anything like the city at all. But the stuff that I really wanted were all too costly for me, and I wasn’t exactly in the mood to splurge on myself, so we simply window shopped for the whole afternoon.

Then, I managed to get a hair cut! (And I can totally hear Rey saying, ‘BANGS AGAIN?!’) THEN THEN, we went to meet Arwin for dinner!

The only thing anyone needs to know about the Minghao-Arwin combo is… Only the best kinds of food. So, we headed to Rakuzen for some really good Japanese cuisine. And after our tummies were filled, it was photo-taking time! (I try to take as many photographs with them as possible, mainly because that’s the only thing I’d get to look at when I miss them!)

To go to a nearby bar to chill was a good idea, but for me to have a cup of Margarita was a very, very bad idea. After SLOWLY drinking 2/3 of that small cup, my heart had already started pounding in my head and I was babbling nonsense to Hao and Arwin. They, of course, couldn’t stop laughing at me. Meh.

It took me nearly an hour before I began to feel better. But despite the very embarrassing ending for our meeting, it was a very good day. I honestly had a very good time catching up with these guys, and I really missed them when I was away. With them, I’m convinced that I must’ve done something good in my previous life (if the concept of past life do exist) to deserve to have them as friends now.

Thank you, Hao and Ann. Not wanting to be all serious, but I really do appreciate you guys. (:

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